


Tonight I can write

by Inuyke



Category: Motherland: Fort Salem (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24271195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inuyke/pseuds/Inuyke
Summary: Scylla's thoughts and feelings to the poem Tonight I can write by Pablo Neruda
Relationships: Raelle Collar/Scylla Ramshorn, Raylla - Relationship
Comments: 10
Kudos: 22





	Tonight I can write

**Author's Note:**

> I was supposed to write a nice happy fluff story about our girls. Instead when I sat down to write, my favorite poem by Pablo Neruda popped into my head and would not leave until I wrote this story. As always please let me know what you think.

_Tonight I can write the saddest lines._

“I no longer love you.”

“We are over.”

“You were a mistake.”

“None of it was real.”

_Write, for example, 'The night is starry  
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'_

How many times had she kissed her under the starry night? Winter. Summer. Fall. Spring. It did not matter she kissed her under them all again and again until they were both breathless. Now it is the stars that get to kiss her skin with their light again and again.

_The night wind revolves in the sky and sings._

Their favorite kisses were at night. The wind would pick up and swirl around them blanketing them in the embrace, forcing them to get closer together to keep warm. At night the sky and the wind were in agreement that Scylla and Raelle belonged together.

_Tonight I can write the saddest lines.  
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too._

“I love you!” “I never want to see you again.”

“I CHOSE YOU!!” “I wish I never met you.”

Scylla knows that she loved Raelle. No, that’s not right. That she loves her. It has to be true, there’s no way she can be in this much pain and have it not be love. Raelle loved her too. Didn’t she? Wasn’t she a wreck when she disappeared? Didn’t she cling to Scylla when they finally reconnected in that dark cell? Didn’t she kiss her again and again, hold her tight, and promise her that she knew that she loved her. Didn’t she say it back? Wasn’t it obvious?

_Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.  
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky._

The nights were the worst. Alone. In the dark. Laying on her bed. Remembering all the kisses, how they held each other as they slept. How their arms and hands would always reach for each other while asleep. They always woke up either holding hands or in each other’s arms. She didn’t know which one was worse. Remembering the kisses or having her in her arms. What she wouldn’t give to get it all back. To get her back.

_She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.  
How could one not have loved her great still eyes._

Raelle loved her. This much was true. Scylla just had a bad habit of fucking it all up. Remembering Raelle’s love was a different kind of pain. When she thought of what she lost, it hurt to the very depth of her soul. You would think that she would be all cried out and numb. I mean she cried when her parents were murdered in front of her. She stood in shock and watched it all happen. But this pain was the worst. Her parents died knowing that she loved them and died loving her. Raelle won’t even look at Scylla. Won’t even acknowledge her existence. Raelle’s eyes were the first thing she noticed about her. How bright blue and beautiful they were. How they always found Scylla’s and the way they lit up when they made contact. Funny how the one thing that caused her joy, now caused her pain. She deserved it. But still.

_Tonight I can write the saddest lines.  
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her._

“Please, don’t go. I love you. Please.”

“Your words mean nothing to me. Not anymore.”

“Raelle PLEASE!! I’M SORRY. I’M SO FUCKING SORRY!! PLEASE!!”

“I defended you. Told Tally that it wasn’t true. That she was wrong. I defended you to Abigail, time and time again. I defended you to Anacostia. I always had your back. I would have done anything for you.”

_To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.  
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture._

Night time was the worst. Didn’t she say that already? Who can remember? All that’s left are memories and regret. And sadness. The night is not the same without her. It is darker, colder, and crueler. It. Will. Never. Be. The. Same. Once again the tears fall down, wetting her cheeks and drying out her skin.

_What does it matter that my love could not keep her.  
The night is starry and she is not with me._

Does anything even matter anymore? Love wasn’t enough. Faith no longer existed. Trust was completely eroded. Even the promises on her lips fell on deaf ears. Who was to blame? Anacostia? Alder? The fucking army? The Spree? Raelle? Or herself. This night like all nights that have followed since, have ended the same way. Alone. Tears. Remembering. Regret. Loss. Shame. And nightmares.

_This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.  
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her._

Is that it? Is this how their story ends? Did their story end? She can still hear her voice. Hear her seeds, hear her heartbeat, feel her touch, remembers her kiss, her touch, she can still smell her. But that is in the past is it not? She is not near her anymore. She never will be again. Believe it or not, witches have a soul. And when that part of a witch breaks, she feels every single jagged piece of it. Her soul was shattered, that is to be expected though.

_My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.  
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me._

Even now, after all this time. Her eyes still seek her out. It is like every day they forget what happened and still try to bring her back to where she belongs. Belonged. Raelle’s eyes no longer belong to Scylla’s sight. Interesting fact about witches, until they find their forever, all witches have irregular heartbeats. The explanation is that, one heart cannot beat in sync without the matching pair. Cliché as it is. This is based on scientific facts. Once the two hearts meet up, they beat in sync until death. You would think that living your life with an irregular heartbeat and then having it one day sync up would be a major adjustment or even painful. Truth of the matter it isn’t. Once the two hearts sync up, a weight is lifted and the bond is formed. Truth of the matter, it is when they are no longer in sync that the pain starts. The ripping, stabbing, choking pain that never ever fucking ends or stops. Stab, a beat, stab, a beat, over and over again until she dies or it gets back in sync.

_The same night whitening the same trees.  
We, of that time, are no longer the same._

The sky still shines on Raelle, the stars still kiss her, the trees still shade her, and the wind still wraps its embrace around her. It is just Scylla who is no longer a part of that world. Of Raelle’s world, of her touch, her sight, her kiss, or breath.

_I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.  
My voice tries to find the wind to touch her hearing._

Every day, she thinks this is going to be the day. I no longer love Raelle Collar. It is a mantra that she says over and over again. Today is the day that I will no longer cry over her. It is a mantra that she says over and over again. Today is the day that I will move on. This is a mantra that she says over and over again. At night the mantra stops, the lies stop, her voice stops. Because the truth is, their love may be in the past. But her love for her is not. When she screams out in pain, she always hopes that her screams can reach Raelle, that she can hear it or feel it and just come back. Please goddess, I just want her to come back. Please wind just do my bidding this one time and reach her for me. She tries different seeds, different pitches. They all fail. But she doesn’t give up. Can’t give up. It has to work one of these days.

_Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.  
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes._

The thought of another woman touching Raelle, makes Scylla vomit and scream every single time. How can another woman touch what is hers? How can another woman love her like she does? How can another woman be even worthy of her? How can another woman kiss her like she does? Even once would be too many times for Scylla. No, this will not do. No other woman would be deserving of that precious gift that is Raelle. Her voice should be the only thing that Scylla hears for the rest of her life. Her sweet words, her I love you’s, the ways she would compliment her, the way she would stumble over her words when Scylla surprised her. Raelle has the sexiest body that Scylla has ever seen, seriously. This is not even based on an opinion. This is a fact. Lot of kissing, sucking, licking and worshiping of said body has given her enough proof that it was true. Raelle’s body should not ever be seen by another woman. Maybe a woman can prove herself worthy of getting to kiss her. That is a big maybe, we are talking in terms of performing a quest like Hercules did, in order to be worthy of kissing her. But there’s no way ever, that anyone else would be worthy enough of her body. Raelle’s eyes were a different story, she was a natural flirt, and her eyes would always be glancing around looking at different people. It was not anything to be jealous about, because until they broke up. Her eyes would always seek out and stop on Scylla’s. Always. So losing her eyes did not hurt as much as losing everything else.

_I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.  
Love is so short, forgetting is so long._

They are no longer together. This is true. Raelle no longer loves her. This may also be true. Scylla still loves her. This is a fact. Their story was supposed to be forever. Any time less than that was always going to be too short for Scylla. It was never going to be enough. It was never going to be something that would be acceptable to her. Their love was too short, as a witch she is cursed with memories that never stop. Forgetting will never happen for her.

_Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms  
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her._

Night again. Oh cruel night. Her bed again. Alone again. Her arms empty again. The pain starts anew again. The cycle repeats. Her soul reaches out again. Comes up empty again. So much pain, so much sadness. So much heartbreak. So unnecessary.

_Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer  
and these the last verses that I write for her._

Scylla doesn’t smile much anymore. Not since their last night together. She wished that the pain would go away one day. She wished that she can find comfort in her memories again. She wishes that she can just sing a seed and make it all go away. She wished that she didn’t lose her. She wishes that this would be the last time she would think of her and feel pain. But that would be a lie.

**Author's Note:**

> One day I will be able to write a nice happy fluffy love story about my girls.


End file.
